Maybe it's the pot of coffee I just had but I feel happy.
I'm about to start a new semester at the University, this time taking Chinese 1B and Arabic 1B, several linguistics classes, and a dance class. I am looking forward to working on hitting my Mandarin tones properly.
I went by campus to pick up my textbooks. The department of rehabilitation is sponsoring me through my education now, so they paid for the cost of my books. DOR (department of rehab) works with disabled people in trying to get the physically and mentally disabled people into jobs. I actually just wanted a part-time job to help me get by as I went through my last year of college, but my DOR counselor said they could sponsor my time at the University and help me with work afterward. So now I don't work but I do carry a full load every semester in terms of units. I get a meager sum of grant money that I get to keep each semester, something I am still learning to budget in order to save money for the possibility of graduate school.
Without DOR I think I would feel less pressure to succeed in school. I need this pressure, as it helps me study harder and for longer periods of time. I feel like I need to prove my worth to the department, so I work harder. Despite the irritation I experience whenever I have to sit still for longer than 20 minutes, I enjoy studying. It makes me feel like I'm exercising my brain and that I'm being productive to society by learning new languages.
Despite a painful semester that included the death of my grandfather, the closest thing I've ever had to a father, I still got by my semester with a 3.0 GPA. While this was not my best semester, I passed and it's over with and I can focus on a new term. My cumulative GPA is still enough to get me into the graduate program at my University and I am looking forward to the challenge of graduate school.
What I'm not looking forward to is asking for letters of recommendation. For anybody, asking a professor for a letter of recommendation can be daunting. For myself, being the nervous, self-doubting schizo-affective person I am, this is proving to be a very high hurdle. I struggle with feeling equal to others. Though I have written extensively about how schizophrenics are equal to everybody else, in my daily life I am plagued by anxiety about how I am perceived by others. As I have had breaks from reality in the past, I have become habituated to using the reactions of people around me to judge how well I am doing in my cognition and behavior. I have become highly sensitive to the slightest upturned nose or the smallest frown because these have previously been signals I used to indicate that my own speech or facial expressions were causing discomfort in the people around me. What at one point was a means of self-monitoring is now a habit I have. I used to have to watch my speech for word salads (word salad = a nonsensical combination of words that schizophrenics tend to produce while floridly psychotic), inappropriate paranoid statements, and random giggling fits. Now, I watch my speech to make sure I conform to the social situation and to make sure I don't disclose to much about myself. I can be quite obsessive about self-monitoring.
While self-monitoring is a good way to ward off symptoms and to re-integrate myself back into society, it is also very easy to become highly self-critical. I always think I've said something horribly wrong or inappropriate when there's no reason to believe this. For example, sometimes I get excited about a subject and I go up to the professor after class to ask a question about a topic. Then, realizing I've just put myself on center stage with a highly intelligent expert in his field, I get nervous, start fiddling with my clothes, stuttering all the while, and I usually end up leaving feeling like a fool, or worse, like a charlatan pretending to be sane when everybody else knows I'm nuts. This is what is called transparency. I feel like I am transparent; that my entire identity is visible to others. It's common in schizophrenics. Even if a professor does suspect I'm mentally ill, the law states that s/he is not allowed to discriminate against me due to biological conditions. Still, this fact doesn't stop me from feeling like an idiot on occasion.
Being highly sensitive to my social and academic mistakes makes me wonder if anybody would vouch for me at all! Of course, linguistics isn't rocket science or brain surgery---nobody's life hangs in the balance, but I still doubt myself and my reputation in academia enough to make asking a professor for a letter of recommendation a looming tidal wave of dread and anxiety.
But it must be done. Wish me luck!
Thanks for reading.
I'm about to start a new semester at the University, this time taking Chinese 1B and Arabic 1B, several linguistics classes, and a dance class. I am looking forward to working on hitting my Mandarin tones properly.
I went by campus to pick up my textbooks. The department of rehabilitation is sponsoring me through my education now, so they paid for the cost of my books. DOR (department of rehab) works with disabled people in trying to get the physically and mentally disabled people into jobs. I actually just wanted a part-time job to help me get by as I went through my last year of college, but my DOR counselor said they could sponsor my time at the University and help me with work afterward. So now I don't work but I do carry a full load every semester in terms of units. I get a meager sum of grant money that I get to keep each semester, something I am still learning to budget in order to save money for the possibility of graduate school.
Without DOR I think I would feel less pressure to succeed in school. I need this pressure, as it helps me study harder and for longer periods of time. I feel like I need to prove my worth to the department, so I work harder. Despite the irritation I experience whenever I have to sit still for longer than 20 minutes, I enjoy studying. It makes me feel like I'm exercising my brain and that I'm being productive to society by learning new languages.
Despite a painful semester that included the death of my grandfather, the closest thing I've ever had to a father, I still got by my semester with a 3.0 GPA. While this was not my best semester, I passed and it's over with and I can focus on a new term. My cumulative GPA is still enough to get me into the graduate program at my University and I am looking forward to the challenge of graduate school.
What I'm not looking forward to is asking for letters of recommendation. For anybody, asking a professor for a letter of recommendation can be daunting. For myself, being the nervous, self-doubting schizo-affective person I am, this is proving to be a very high hurdle. I struggle with feeling equal to others. Though I have written extensively about how schizophrenics are equal to everybody else, in my daily life I am plagued by anxiety about how I am perceived by others. As I have had breaks from reality in the past, I have become habituated to using the reactions of people around me to judge how well I am doing in my cognition and behavior. I have become highly sensitive to the slightest upturned nose or the smallest frown because these have previously been signals I used to indicate that my own speech or facial expressions were causing discomfort in the people around me. What at one point was a means of self-monitoring is now a habit I have. I used to have to watch my speech for word salads (word salad = a nonsensical combination of words that schizophrenics tend to produce while floridly psychotic), inappropriate paranoid statements, and random giggling fits. Now, I watch my speech to make sure I conform to the social situation and to make sure I don't disclose to much about myself. I can be quite obsessive about self-monitoring.
While self-monitoring is a good way to ward off symptoms and to re-integrate myself back into society, it is also very easy to become highly self-critical. I always think I've said something horribly wrong or inappropriate when there's no reason to believe this. For example, sometimes I get excited about a subject and I go up to the professor after class to ask a question about a topic. Then, realizing I've just put myself on center stage with a highly intelligent expert in his field, I get nervous, start fiddling with my clothes, stuttering all the while, and I usually end up leaving feeling like a fool, or worse, like a charlatan pretending to be sane when everybody else knows I'm nuts. This is what is called transparency. I feel like I am transparent; that my entire identity is visible to others. It's common in schizophrenics. Even if a professor does suspect I'm mentally ill, the law states that s/he is not allowed to discriminate against me due to biological conditions. Still, this fact doesn't stop me from feeling like an idiot on occasion.
Being highly sensitive to my social and academic mistakes makes me wonder if anybody would vouch for me at all! Of course, linguistics isn't rocket science or brain surgery---nobody's life hangs in the balance, but I still doubt myself and my reputation in academia enough to make asking a professor for a letter of recommendation a looming tidal wave of dread and anxiety.
But it must be done. Wish me luck!
Thanks for reading.
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