Dear public, online diary,
today I was walking on campus when I realized that I didn't stand out from the crowd. I mean that in a good way. I was not sticking out like a crazy sore thumb. I just was one in a thousand on campus. It felt surprisingly freeing to not feel stigmatized, degraded, devalued, and hated. Just for a moment, I envisioned a society where the talents and eccentricities of non-violent mentally ill people can be appreciated. One can dream....
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I am doing just fine in my classes. I am pursuing a Masters degree. I am also taking several undergraduate level science courses in my secret pursuit of a Bachelors in Science. I have not officially declared that I am attempting a second Bachelors, which is why it is secret. Also, if I fail miserably, only my graduate mentor and myself will know about it.
In my private life, I am very private. I have no significant other. My previous boyfriend had no idea that I was schizo-affective. I kind of liked it that way. Well, maybe I didn't like it that way, but I had done a pretty good job convincing myself that I liked it that way. I just told myself it was because I liked my privacy. However, I believe that being honest is a very important to the mental health movement. I want to live up to the kind of life that Elyn R. Saks created for herself. I also seek to pursue higher education despite my illness.
Education is like a safe-haven. In academia, one can engage with people in a field and they would rarely question your private life---all that matters is how much you know in your field. One can hide illness there. Or at least I have convinced myself that I am able to hide my illness. Who knows? Either way, I guess I'll never know what my professors and fellow classmates are really thinking. It's probably for the best, because if I can't know what they are thinking, then it is likely that they can't know what I am thinking and that soothes my paranoid mind.
I still have to complete one homework problem for precalculus. I spent forty minutes on one problem, after breezing through the other 14 problems. Once I got to that problem, I get getting everything except one number right. It was really irritating. The professor gives us infinite attempts until the deadline, but it was to no avail, as I attempted so many times it is nearly the deadline and I still haven't answered question 15.
In my illness, there was a lot of unreality, a lot of fear, a lot of uncertains. In math, there are only facts, logic, symmetry, structure, and calculated asymmetry. There are no uncertains. Everything is hidden under layers of proofs. Kernels of certainty embedded in what appears to be ciphers. It is kind of relaxing to take this precalculus class. Or it was relaxing until I got to question 15.
today I was walking on campus when I realized that I didn't stand out from the crowd. I mean that in a good way. I was not sticking out like a crazy sore thumb. I just was one in a thousand on campus. It felt surprisingly freeing to not feel stigmatized, degraded, devalued, and hated. Just for a moment, I envisioned a society where the talents and eccentricities of non-violent mentally ill people can be appreciated. One can dream....
****************************************************************************
I am doing just fine in my classes. I am pursuing a Masters degree. I am also taking several undergraduate level science courses in my secret pursuit of a Bachelors in Science. I have not officially declared that I am attempting a second Bachelors, which is why it is secret. Also, if I fail miserably, only my graduate mentor and myself will know about it.
In my private life, I am very private. I have no significant other. My previous boyfriend had no idea that I was schizo-affective. I kind of liked it that way. Well, maybe I didn't like it that way, but I had done a pretty good job convincing myself that I liked it that way. I just told myself it was because I liked my privacy. However, I believe that being honest is a very important to the mental health movement. I want to live up to the kind of life that Elyn R. Saks created for herself. I also seek to pursue higher education despite my illness.
Education is like a safe-haven. In academia, one can engage with people in a field and they would rarely question your private life---all that matters is how much you know in your field. One can hide illness there. Or at least I have convinced myself that I am able to hide my illness. Who knows? Either way, I guess I'll never know what my professors and fellow classmates are really thinking. It's probably for the best, because if I can't know what they are thinking, then it is likely that they can't know what I am thinking and that soothes my paranoid mind.
I still have to complete one homework problem for precalculus. I spent forty minutes on one problem, after breezing through the other 14 problems. Once I got to that problem, I get getting everything except one number right. It was really irritating. The professor gives us infinite attempts until the deadline, but it was to no avail, as I attempted so many times it is nearly the deadline and I still haven't answered question 15.
In my illness, there was a lot of unreality, a lot of fear, a lot of uncertains. In math, there are only facts, logic, symmetry, structure, and calculated asymmetry. There are no uncertains. Everything is hidden under layers of proofs. Kernels of certainty embedded in what appears to be ciphers. It is kind of relaxing to take this precalculus class. Or it was relaxing until I got to question 15.
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