Diet Diary

I have nothing to do except stress out about my weight. I am on academic probation for my Master's program and that makes my weight seem like the one part of my life that I can control---that is, IF I could control it.

After I work out for more than 40 minutes with my punching bag, I don't feel hungry. I feel weak and sleepy. The day after I work out, I tend to binge eat like I am having my last meal. It becomes a crushing hunger pang that won't leave me alone until I eat. What is worse, since I exercised to the point of exhaustion, I am sore and too weak to burn off the excess calories I inevitably binge eat the day afterwards.

Yesterday, I ate 600 calories until 4 pm, which is fine. However, around 5 pm, I became famished and panicked. I drove to a fast food joint and binge ate a medium sized combo meal for a whopping total of 1000 calories. Then, in the middle of the night, I woke up hungry and ate 5 small raw apricots. So much sugar and sodium! I really hate that the thought of grease and butter sends me into pleasurable conniptions.

Today, I have had 400 calories and it's nearly 2 pm. The thing is, 80 calories is in pure half and half creamer. Another 110 calories comes from the Red Bull Red Edition drink I had. I feel bloated and I am burping, despite eating 210 calories in actual food (80 calorie serving of Fiber One with small amount of 30 calorie Almond milk in the morning, a small serving of home-made lentil soup for lunch). I drink so much liquid that I get bloated and when I weight myself I weigh even more than I would expect based on my solid food intake. That makes me depressed....that makes me start thinking about french fries.

I am writing so that I can distract myself from the thought of cheap dollar nuggets at Wendys. I feel full, but I keep thinking about food. Grrr..Hopefully, I won't be so sore tonight and then I can exercise for 40 minutes and burn off some calories from the past two days...but then tomorrow how I will crave sugar and carbs!!

Gained 2 Pounds, Lost 3 in Past Week

Earlier this week I was 171 pounds. Yikes. Now, about a week later, I weighed myself and weighed 168. This is obese for my height. I am disgusted. Still, at least I am not 171 anymore. I have to give myself credit for each pound that comes off or else I will just cry and give up.

Since I gained 20+ pounds on my ex-boyfriend's fried salmon dinners, I have struggled even more with my weight. I shot from 148 pounds to 174 pounds. My average weight prior to having a boyfriend was 153-155. My low weight was 148 this past year. Now, my low weight for the past 5 months has been 164. GRRRR.

I cannot believe I let myself eat my ex-boyfriend's junk food. It was Arabic food--nothing but rice, potatoes, and either fried chicken or fried fish. We broke up last January. Since then I have been taking 2 martial arts classes for a total of 4 hours each week of hard core work outs. Weight lost? Maybe 5 pounds. On a good day.

I think my body is in a little bit of shock due to my weight fluctuations. Since 2011, I lost 40 to 46 pounds. Then, between October of 2012 to January of 2013, I gained 25 pounds. Then, from January 2013 to May 2013 I lost 5 to 10 pounds. Then, from May 2013 to June 2013, I gained 5 pounds. Then, this past week, I lost 3 pounds. Yo-yo dieting takes on new meaning for me. It is more like bungee-jumping dieting.

I ate 1250 calories yesterday. I walked for 1 hour twice yesterday. I fought my punching bag for 20 minutes yesterday. I really did take two cups of popped popcorn to my room for my midnight eating disorder time. I woke up in the early morning and ate all of it. Thankfully, I had already included those 200 calories into my caloric intake journal, so I was not eating too, too much.


1200 calories is my limit. I don't want to eat more than 1200 and I refuse to eat less. If I want to reduce how many calories are in my body, I will work out. I have to eat 1200 or else my body will go into more shock and I dread how my weight will shift and fluctuate after a starvation diet (I succumbed to a starvation diet about 5 years ago and was 131 pounds down oh, I don't know, maybe 50 pounds before the psychiatric hospital intervened, forced me onto weight gaining anti-psychotic pills, quarantined me in a locked room without the usual running and walking I  had been doing, and forced me to eat three times a day). So, lesson learned; no starvation diet. Only calorie restriction and excessive exercise.

Yesterday my snack was a raw roma tomato sliced with black pepper and a tablespoon of olive oil drizzled on it. I felt a little guilty about the olive oil, too. It was not half bad. I think that snack is a bit better than my previous tomato snack/lunch of tomato, olive oil, and chevre melted on top.

Today, more tomatoes, punching bag, and oatmeal. Wish me luck. My goal is to weigh 155 by the end of August.