I have not been blogging as much as I would like because I have been sitting by the phone like a puppy-eyed virgin waiting for this new guy to text me.
I went into this new romance knowing it was going to be a very temporary situation. Next month I enter the graduate program and all my classes are scheduled for the evenings. Evenings are the only time he is free from work.
He is not particularly serious about me either. I can respect that he was honest to me about the fact that he does not want a commitment. We are both setting boundaries that state we have to be honest if we are dating somebody else, but there is no rule that says we cannot date somebody else; we just have to admit to it. I would honestly prefer a monogamous relationship that lasts one month and then we go our separate ways. He would prefer a casual dating scenario that lasts indefinitely.
I guess we will see what happens. I am the clingy type. Yes, I know it is not healthy. I never had a father so my model for male-female attachment is screwy. I am always afraid of being abandoned. I place too much emphasis on monogamous sex being the center piece of a serious relationship. I am a little obsessed with the sex. I feel empty and anxious if I have not had sex with my significant other in a day. I need constant re-affirmation of his desire for me. I do not particularly care if he likes me as a person, but it is vital that he physically yearns for my body, and only my body.
I have taken great care to work on the part of me that grew up in a dysfunctional extended family situation. Still, I have attachment anxiety from early loss in my childhood. I have never even had a relationship that lasted more than a year. Either I pick a guy who is a total jerk or else I wind up running away because I made a mountain out of a mole-hill.
Alas, I, as a human, am doomed to this vicious cycle of love and heart break. This guy does not want a relationship so I must not bond too deeply with him. I must keep him in the periphery of my life so that he does not hurt me too deeply. Maybe one day I will meet a man or woman who will see every part of my soul and body and will still want to be with me every day for a long time.
I have put out to the world that I am bisexual. I would honestly prefer to have a female because I am so attracted to their bodies and their attitudes about life and love. I have not yet been asked out by a woman. Sometimes I see a woman with another woman and I wonder how they ever opened up to each other about wanting a lesbian relationship.
This guy does not know I am bi. I have decided not to tell, ever since the last guy decided because I am attracted to women that I would consent to a threesome with him and some random woman. I do not like having my sexuality manipulated. It is there, but it is not something that can be folded like origami in somebody else's hands. Maybe one day, I will meet an open-minded lady who is open and extroverted.
I still want to know how women know other women are available. I am either totally unattractive to only one gender (women) or I miss all the signs. :( For the record, I get told a lot that I am "pretty" and "cute" and have "big boobs" by people who see my profile picture on myspace, so it is likely not a physical deformity but rather an attitude issue I have or something, I dunno. Okay, I am done psycho-analyzing myself. Feel free to psycho-analyze me in the comments! Just please be tactful! :)
I went into this new romance knowing it was going to be a very temporary situation. Next month I enter the graduate program and all my classes are scheduled for the evenings. Evenings are the only time he is free from work.
He is not particularly serious about me either. I can respect that he was honest to me about the fact that he does not want a commitment. We are both setting boundaries that state we have to be honest if we are dating somebody else, but there is no rule that says we cannot date somebody else; we just have to admit to it. I would honestly prefer a monogamous relationship that lasts one month and then we go our separate ways. He would prefer a casual dating scenario that lasts indefinitely.
I guess we will see what happens. I am the clingy type. Yes, I know it is not healthy. I never had a father so my model for male-female attachment is screwy. I am always afraid of being abandoned. I place too much emphasis on monogamous sex being the center piece of a serious relationship. I am a little obsessed with the sex. I feel empty and anxious if I have not had sex with my significant other in a day. I need constant re-affirmation of his desire for me. I do not particularly care if he likes me as a person, but it is vital that he physically yearns for my body, and only my body.
I have taken great care to work on the part of me that grew up in a dysfunctional extended family situation. Still, I have attachment anxiety from early loss in my childhood. I have never even had a relationship that lasted more than a year. Either I pick a guy who is a total jerk or else I wind up running away because I made a mountain out of a mole-hill.
Alas, I, as a human, am doomed to this vicious cycle of love and heart break. This guy does not want a relationship so I must not bond too deeply with him. I must keep him in the periphery of my life so that he does not hurt me too deeply. Maybe one day I will meet a man or woman who will see every part of my soul and body and will still want to be with me every day for a long time.
I have put out to the world that I am bisexual. I would honestly prefer to have a female because I am so attracted to their bodies and their attitudes about life and love. I have not yet been asked out by a woman. Sometimes I see a woman with another woman and I wonder how they ever opened up to each other about wanting a lesbian relationship.
This guy does not know I am bi. I have decided not to tell, ever since the last guy decided because I am attracted to women that I would consent to a threesome with him and some random woman. I do not like having my sexuality manipulated. It is there, but it is not something that can be folded like origami in somebody else's hands. Maybe one day, I will meet an open-minded lady who is open and extroverted.
I still want to know how women know other women are available. I am either totally unattractive to only one gender (women) or I miss all the signs. :( For the record, I get told a lot that I am "pretty" and "cute" and have "big boobs" by people who see my profile picture on myspace, so it is likely not a physical deformity but rather an attitude issue I have or something, I dunno. Okay, I am done psycho-analyzing myself. Feel free to psycho-analyze me in the comments! Just please be tactful! :)
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