"Almost Normal-->But Only When Drugged Up"

I have not written any posts lately.

I have nothing to say.

Or rather, I have no desire at the moment to show the general public just how psychologically damaged I really am. My true friend, my ex-boyfriend, the only male I returned to, died. I am shattered. Mourning takes its toll on my listless body and mind. I gained 3 pounds since my last psychiatrist visit. She noted that point on her paperwork when I showed up at her office a few days ago.

"I  need anti-anxiety medicine," I said. I do. Apparently, she is not willing to prescribe medicinal marijuana so instead I got a non-addictive pill to take twice a day. Good enough. If only it could erase the knowledge of my precarious mortality and replace it with the drive and passion I once had.

I might have taken a dose of strong anti-anxiety drugs while listening to Nine Inch Nails album, "With_Teeth" and now I am feeling irrational, strung out, relatively relaxed, but jittery all at the same time.

I slept with this guy from my past. I spontaneously texted him and he asked me to come over. I slid past my parent's room and did a silent exit from home. I drove to his apartment. I slept with him. Then I left. He complained that I was leaving so soon. I patted him on the back and said I didn't want to get caught. I might get into trouble if my mom found out I took off in the middle of the night. He seemed irritated. I left.

I have issues with men. That is not my musing, apparently that is what the professionals say. I submit to their decision. I have an electra's complex from never having a father in my life, from all the damage I acquired from various damaged men, from needing, always needing, love or a reasonable facsimile.

I need my friend, my ex-boyfriend. My true love that I never told how much he meant to me, how I needed him. I miss him.

The cup of diet coke is empty. I slurp air instead. It feels like my life, an empty cup, a hollow space that I cannot stop trying to get substance from. Emptiness. Man, this turned out to be a heady entry.

I will post a pleasant entry later. Thanks for reading!

"Internet Bullies Make Me Nervous" & "Finding Daddy online"

Internet Bullies Make Me Nervous

Hello! I was just on my favorite website happily participating in the global cyber community, when suddenly---a woman I have never seen before typed in a very cruel remark and insulted me as a human. I  have my picture up and a link to my facebook page so I am concerned that said person will continue her angry tirade against me via other sites. This really makes me fear cyberspace. She not only intruded in my little world, but she spat out hateful words that I bet she would never say to my face. Online bullies are like closet sociopaths. They must all be outed!

I am still a little shaky from being berated by a stranger. If they humiliate you publicly, who knows what else they are capable of doing?

As for my sex life, it is nil. The only contact I have with the outside world is through cyberspace (one reason why I am so irritated by that woman who wrote insults all over the internet about me).

Finding Daddy Online

In other news, my father wound up in my email box. Apparently, we are both alumni from the same university. He made some "alumni hall of fame" and his little picture and name was listed in the email. My mother confirmed that he was my father. The man I never met and who never loved me, there, in my university email. This has not been a good week for me.