"Almost Normal-->But Only When Drugged Up"

I have not written any posts lately.

I have nothing to say.

Or rather, I have no desire at the moment to show the general public just how psychologically damaged I really am. My true friend, my ex-boyfriend, the only male I returned to, died. I am shattered. Mourning takes its toll on my listless body and mind. I gained 3 pounds since my last psychiatrist visit. She noted that point on her paperwork when I showed up at her office a few days ago.

"I  need anti-anxiety medicine," I said. I do. Apparently, she is not willing to prescribe medicinal marijuana so instead I got a non-addictive pill to take twice a day. Good enough. If only it could erase the knowledge of my precarious mortality and replace it with the drive and passion I once had.

I might have taken a dose of strong anti-anxiety drugs while listening to Nine Inch Nails album, "With_Teeth" and now I am feeling irrational, strung out, relatively relaxed, but jittery all at the same time.

I slept with this guy from my past. I spontaneously texted him and he asked me to come over. I slid past my parent's room and did a silent exit from home. I drove to his apartment. I slept with him. Then I left. He complained that I was leaving so soon. I patted him on the back and said I didn't want to get caught. I might get into trouble if my mom found out I took off in the middle of the night. He seemed irritated. I left.

I have issues with men. That is not my musing, apparently that is what the professionals say. I submit to their decision. I have an electra's complex from never having a father in my life, from all the damage I acquired from various damaged men, from needing, always needing, love or a reasonable facsimile.

I need my friend, my ex-boyfriend. My true love that I never told how much he meant to me, how I needed him. I miss him.

The cup of diet coke is empty. I slurp air instead. It feels like my life, an empty cup, a hollow space that I cannot stop trying to get substance from. Emptiness. Man, this turned out to be a heady entry.

I will post a pleasant entry later. Thanks for reading!

Blood Work Tests Come Back Normal---Minus My Mind

So, yes, as I candidly mentioned in a previous entry, I have had around 20 male bed partners. For a woman, that is a lot. For a man, that is like a couple months in Vegas.

Naturally, I get checked after a period of sexual activity. My lab results came in today. The good news: My blood work and urine tests came back normal with no indication of sexually transmitted diseases. The bad news: I'm still a nutcase. If only my mind was as healthy as my reproductive organs!! But no, at least insanity is not contagious (otherwise there would have been a pandemic in California ha ha ha).

So, lesson learned, stop sleeping around and getting tattooed or face nerve-wracking days spent waiting by the computer to see if the University health center input my results already. That being said, God, I am soooo horny!

I have had too much bed rest due to summer unemployment and no social life. I have written a couple of C computer programs since I will be taking it over next semester to get a better grade than my poor D plus. The only thing that makes me feel better is that 1) I had legitimate medical, psychological, and family issues which disrupted my study routine and 2) that teacher has a 70% FAIL rate. Not PASS rate, mind you, FAIL, as in out of 100, 70 students will FAIL. Sadly, I fell in that zone. During the final, at least 4 students walked up and handed in the test form completely blank (we have to write out our programs by hand, which is an archaic method of programming if you ask me, but whatever). They were quitting because the teacher is not a good teacher, they fell behind, and they couldn't bs the final exam for 2 hours or even (in some cases) 10 minutes. Thus, they turned in blank answers, shrugged their shoulders when the teacher asked them why they weren't going to try, and then made a beeline for the door. I did try, though I didn't finish the exam because I ran out of time. I scored with a D, which is pathetic, but whatever. I have to remember that this class requires double the time I spend on my graduate level classes just to keep up. Will get A or B this Fall when I take it over again. That is my VOW.

Aside from practicing the basic arrays and for loops in C,  have had nothing to do. I sleep. I read books about former models and former anorexics. It's like book porn for dieters. I am so ashamed that I read "Hungry" and "Wasted" just to surround myself with shining examples of how not to eat, then eat, then crash and burn. It is a perversion; this compulsion to read about people's serious illness just to stave off hunger pangs for another 4 hours. I ate 200 calories up until 5 pm, most of it in dairy creamer which I poured liberally into my coffee.

Oh, hooray! I guy I like is messaging me. I go now.

The F Word (feminism)

We have it all, we can work, vote, drive, marry, not marry, eat, not eat, we're free. We came a long way, kitten, you hung in there, now we're free. Liberated.

Yet something isn't right. Just ask Ms. Watson, an atheist blogger who bitched about being hit on in an elevator by a strange man after her feminist lecture. Richard Dawkins, an atheist I used to respect, than jumped in and told Watson she should be on her hands and knees thanking men in America for not slicing off her clitoris like they do in other countries....his point? She should just take it. Forever and ever. Take sexual come-ons, take insults, take "compliments" aimed at her sexuality, just take it! Take it!! He told her to stop moaning and take it---others have it much worse.
Well, being a female who has been raped multiple times, had my breasts physically punched by a guy who claimed it was all in the name of S&M, I guess that puts me in the position to judge. Or so says Dawkins, who spends his energy negating the painful feelings of objectified women. My final judgement is this: if it bothered her it bothered her so why is Richard Dawkins all hot and bothered around the collar? I'm sure he justified it all with "it's natural to want to have intercourse, therefore, men get to be as pushy as they want. It's for the sake of perpetuating the human species!"

Well, gee, that's true...but maybe Ms.Watson didn't want to conceive a child with a stranger in an elevator. Perhaps Dawkins thinks that Ms. Watson should want to conceive a child with a stranger in an elevator because it's her "function" as a human female, especially someone of her socio-economic class (tangent note: science has always run scary close to preaching eugenics, or that Nazi inspired genetic purity bull, so maybe a scientist isn't the best advocate for reproductive rights). Maybe Dawkins thinks Ms. Watson is hot and should get over being objectified because if it were him he'd be putting out to men left and right. Or maybe he's just a pompous, overrated, over-published, sexist jerk who only made it up through academia due to his social status, social connections, and the polished ego only a rich, white male could achieve. Or maybe he's right! Who knows, the world is nuts, anything can happen, maybe the guy is right to use clitoral mutilation to put Ms. Watson back into her place---back in the box, Ms. Watson! Stop trying to gain respect for women all over the globe!