I had an interesting chat with my psychiatrist last month. I relayed my level of stress as a first-semester graduate student to her and she placed me on an additional mood stabilizer. The mood stabilizer acts on a different set of neuro-transmitters (brain chemicals that regulate mood). This new drug is supposed to moderate my level of depression. So, far it has worked. But anyways, back to our conversation.
"Oh, you are in grad school now," she asked.
"Yes, it's really different. There's a lot of journals to read and they're all really technical," I said.
"How are you doing so far?"
"I'm doing good, but I sometimes don't study for as long as I would like to because I get sleepy around ten o'clock, right after I take my medicine," I said.
"Oh, yes, it is better to stay up and study. Less stress in the long run. You should stay up and study as long as you can," she said.
I am taking her advice to heart. I scored high on my tests after our conversation. I did indeed stay up late, by drinking two cups of strong coffee around ten o'clock. I also tend to do work in the grad study room on campus after my evening class. I get home around 10. I either spend some time with my boyfriend afterwards or else I go home and pass out, exhausted, but ahead of the game.
I still have to write two term papers before the semester is over. Three of my classes are easy for me. Two require analyzing raw acoustic data, translating it into plain English, making graphs that show the results, and applying the appropriate theories to the data. I feel overwhelmed, but I am confident that I can type out some reasonable analyses in time for the deadline. I am less confident about getting an A on these papers, but I will try my best.
Sigh. I fear that if I don't perform well I will have no chance of entering a PhD program. I really want to earn a doctorate in my field. It is the pinnacle of education. I am willing to work hard, do research, work at a real job on the side, and stay in school an additional 5-6 years in order to earn a PhD.
Part of me is motivated because I have a severe mental illness that hindered my progress for so long. I was too busy curled up in bed, experiencing troubling symptoms, to study or to go to class. Now, I have medicine, a therapist, and a chance at a decent future. I want to prove society wrong about mentally ill people, not by surrendering to a fate of disability checks, but by improving my status in society and being a mentor to the mentally ill people who are talented but too insecure or troubled to reach for their goals.
Here are some tricks I learned that helped me earn my belated B.A. despite suffering from a mental illness:
1) Wake up early, take a walk, come home, and write out the main objectives for the day. For example, item 1: complete homework assignment before 10 a.m. item 2 : eat lunch, less than 400 calories. item 3 : go to campus early. item 4 : work on lit review for term paper (at least one hour)....and so on.
2) participate at least one time during class. Participate less than 4 times during class, just in case I am manic and too talkative.
3) When in doubt about participation, doodle on notes. Doodling makes it look like I are totally bored and uninterested but at least nobody will know that I am socially awkward at that moment.
4) engage in 1 minute, trivial chit chat with classmate after class, just to practice social skills and to connect momentarily with another human being. Avoid long periods of eye contact, when person physically steps away, cut the conversation short and excuse yourself politely.
5) Drink coffee.
6) Keep a diary to vent personal self-doubt, campus gossip, and general fear of society. Don't share it with anyone except therapist.
This last point should be crucial for me, but here I am; divulging my personal struggles, dark secrets, and horribly out-of-reach ambitions to total strangers. Well, that's the internet for you. :)
"Oh, you are in grad school now," she asked.
"Yes, it's really different. There's a lot of journals to read and they're all really technical," I said.
"How are you doing so far?"
"I'm doing good, but I sometimes don't study for as long as I would like to because I get sleepy around ten o'clock, right after I take my medicine," I said.
"Oh, yes, it is better to stay up and study. Less stress in the long run. You should stay up and study as long as you can," she said.
I am taking her advice to heart. I scored high on my tests after our conversation. I did indeed stay up late, by drinking two cups of strong coffee around ten o'clock. I also tend to do work in the grad study room on campus after my evening class. I get home around 10. I either spend some time with my boyfriend afterwards or else I go home and pass out, exhausted, but ahead of the game.
I still have to write two term papers before the semester is over. Three of my classes are easy for me. Two require analyzing raw acoustic data, translating it into plain English, making graphs that show the results, and applying the appropriate theories to the data. I feel overwhelmed, but I am confident that I can type out some reasonable analyses in time for the deadline. I am less confident about getting an A on these papers, but I will try my best.
Sigh. I fear that if I don't perform well I will have no chance of entering a PhD program. I really want to earn a doctorate in my field. It is the pinnacle of education. I am willing to work hard, do research, work at a real job on the side, and stay in school an additional 5-6 years in order to earn a PhD.
Part of me is motivated because I have a severe mental illness that hindered my progress for so long. I was too busy curled up in bed, experiencing troubling symptoms, to study or to go to class. Now, I have medicine, a therapist, and a chance at a decent future. I want to prove society wrong about mentally ill people, not by surrendering to a fate of disability checks, but by improving my status in society and being a mentor to the mentally ill people who are talented but too insecure or troubled to reach for their goals.
Here are some tricks I learned that helped me earn my belated B.A. despite suffering from a mental illness:
1) Wake up early, take a walk, come home, and write out the main objectives for the day. For example, item 1: complete homework assignment before 10 a.m. item 2 : eat lunch, less than 400 calories. item 3 : go to campus early. item 4 : work on lit review for term paper (at least one hour)....and so on.
2) participate at least one time during class. Participate less than 4 times during class, just in case I am manic and too talkative.
3) When in doubt about participation, doodle on notes. Doodling makes it look like I are totally bored and uninterested but at least nobody will know that I am socially awkward at that moment.
4) engage in 1 minute, trivial chit chat with classmate after class, just to practice social skills and to connect momentarily with another human being. Avoid long periods of eye contact, when person physically steps away, cut the conversation short and excuse yourself politely.
5) Drink coffee.
6) Keep a diary to vent personal self-doubt, campus gossip, and general fear of society. Don't share it with anyone except therapist.
This last point should be crucial for me, but here I am; divulging my personal struggles, dark secrets, and horribly out-of-reach ambitions to total strangers. Well, that's the internet for you. :)
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