I am a lot of things: schizo-affective, a graduate student, a minority female....and I'm bisexual. But not out. Instead, I exist in sexuality limbo, floating half way between the Straight world and the Gay world, a ghost, an apparition, there but invisible.
Today, I watched an adult video with a large breasted woman and a man. It was not the man that had me going into conniptions---it was the woman. It has always been this way...since I was in high school. The man is my boyfriend, the woman in the film is the one who gets me to climax. I am not ashamed at all, just afraid to tell anyone. I am afraid my female friends will become concerned that I want them. I am more afraid that one particular friend will realize that I really honestly do want her, that it may be a sort of love in fact, but I don't have to worry about that since I intend to keep my mouth shut.
I am bi but at the moment live a Straight life. No woman has taken me in her arms yet. I guess I didn't really choose a Straight life, I am just defaulted to a Straight life because women haven't asked me out (well, except one, but she is kind of not my type). I have always lived a Straight life---at least in terms of who I sleep with. However, when I am alone in my bedroom, the adult video comes out and it is the only breath of sweet release I get---the sight of the voluptuous female body thrills me, makes me yearn for a Gay life I have never known, and finally, induces the throes of pleasure that momentarily put my yearning to rest.
I have a boyfriend, a religious conservative man who prays every day and comes from a country where Gay is a Western "invention," something that is prohibited, allegedly non-existant, and totally taboo. I really do not know what has kept us together these last three months. It might be his kindness or the fact that he is such a good cook. I like that I am not expected to wash dishes or cook his meals. I like that the only place I have to play a female role is in the bedroom. I always thought this was a bit ironic, since in his country of origin, the female is always washing dishes, cooking, raising children, etc....
I like the freedom he gives me. Except of course, the freedom to be with a woman. I don't know what I expect---I want to be courted by a woman but I don't frequent any gay clubs or attend gay community events. I guess I have the faulty belief that a woman can see past my lipstick-colored lips, my exaggerated femininity, and my hand which holds a man's hand, and see the bisexual inside that desires a woman with thick hips to hold and an intelligent mind to hold my interest.
Ah well, I'll keep looking for signs, like a neon shirt that says "GAY" on a female co-ed on campus. Until then, I'll stick to my movies. *Confused sigh...
Today, I watched an adult video with a large breasted woman and a man. It was not the man that had me going into conniptions---it was the woman. It has always been this way...since I was in high school. The man is my boyfriend, the woman in the film is the one who gets me to climax. I am not ashamed at all, just afraid to tell anyone. I am afraid my female friends will become concerned that I want them. I am more afraid that one particular friend will realize that I really honestly do want her, that it may be a sort of love in fact, but I don't have to worry about that since I intend to keep my mouth shut.
I am bi but at the moment live a Straight life. No woman has taken me in her arms yet. I guess I didn't really choose a Straight life, I am just defaulted to a Straight life because women haven't asked me out (well, except one, but she is kind of not my type). I have always lived a Straight life---at least in terms of who I sleep with. However, when I am alone in my bedroom, the adult video comes out and it is the only breath of sweet release I get---the sight of the voluptuous female body thrills me, makes me yearn for a Gay life I have never known, and finally, induces the throes of pleasure that momentarily put my yearning to rest.
I have a boyfriend, a religious conservative man who prays every day and comes from a country where Gay is a Western "invention," something that is prohibited, allegedly non-existant, and totally taboo. I really do not know what has kept us together these last three months. It might be his kindness or the fact that he is such a good cook. I like that I am not expected to wash dishes or cook his meals. I like that the only place I have to play a female role is in the bedroom. I always thought this was a bit ironic, since in his country of origin, the female is always washing dishes, cooking, raising children, etc....
I like the freedom he gives me. Except of course, the freedom to be with a woman. I don't know what I expect---I want to be courted by a woman but I don't frequent any gay clubs or attend gay community events. I guess I have the faulty belief that a woman can see past my lipstick-colored lips, my exaggerated femininity, and my hand which holds a man's hand, and see the bisexual inside that desires a woman with thick hips to hold and an intelligent mind to hold my interest.
Ah well, I'll keep looking for signs, like a neon shirt that says "GAY" on a female co-ed on campus. Until then, I'll stick to my movies. *Confused sigh...
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