I am highly irritable this week. Everything ignites irritability. I know it is because I am a schizophrenic-bipolar woman who is currently stressed out and broke. Knowing the underlying cause for this feeling does not help the irritability. It fact, it makes it worse because I am forbidden from expressing this irritability.
I feel irritable. Some random person posts something fiercely ignorant about race. I keep my mouth shut because I know I will over react due to my underlying mental illness. Somebody without a mental illness would have snapped and had some psychological release.
I, being subjugated to extreme scrutiny by psychiatrists, doctors, family, mental health technicians, and therapists, cannot express normal anger anymore. I have been denied the right to feel angry or depressed. These are "mental" issues that need to be addressed. In many ways, I feel emotionally spayed. I must remain neutral in mood for the rest of my life or risk being institutionalized or put on dangerously high doses of psychotropic medications.
There is a fine line between mental health treatment and mind-control. I have had my continuum of emotions deleted through medication and hospitalization.
These are emotions that are forbidden to me:
Anger
Irritability
Expansive Mood
Exhaustion
Resentment
Fear of persecution
Fear in general
Hatred
Introversion
Sadness
A combination of these that shift from one to the other rapidly.
I understand that it is "beneficial" to me and to society to put these restraints in place. It is just a bit like mind-control, that is all. I will live under constant scrutiny, constant monitoring by mental health professionals, for the rest of my life, and that is alright with me. However, if there is a better alternative, that would be awesome.
I feel irritable. Some random person posts something fiercely ignorant about race. I keep my mouth shut because I know I will over react due to my underlying mental illness. Somebody without a mental illness would have snapped and had some psychological release.
I, being subjugated to extreme scrutiny by psychiatrists, doctors, family, mental health technicians, and therapists, cannot express normal anger anymore. I have been denied the right to feel angry or depressed. These are "mental" issues that need to be addressed. In many ways, I feel emotionally spayed. I must remain neutral in mood for the rest of my life or risk being institutionalized or put on dangerously high doses of psychotropic medications.
There is a fine line between mental health treatment and mind-control. I have had my continuum of emotions deleted through medication and hospitalization.
These are emotions that are forbidden to me:
Anger
Irritability
Expansive Mood
Exhaustion
Resentment
Fear of persecution
Fear in general
Hatred
Introversion
Sadness
A combination of these that shift from one to the other rapidly.
I understand that it is "beneficial" to me and to society to put these restraints in place. It is just a bit like mind-control, that is all. I will live under constant scrutiny, constant monitoring by mental health professionals, for the rest of my life, and that is alright with me. However, if there is a better alternative, that would be awesome.
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