Dear public, online diary,
my secret crush died two weeks ago. He had a wife and child and I could never tell him the truth: that I was enamored with him. Now, he is gone from this world forever. His death has made me a new person; somebody desperate for love, for affection. I need somebody to hold me, to love me, to make me feel whole again. I know this is not possible---nobody can make another person whole, but in my time of mourning I feel restless and needy. I need.
I have a study session with my partner in one of my foreign language classes tomorrow. He doesn't know that I've taken in interest in him since my secret crush died. This new man stares at me with a strange intensity. He invited me over to study last week. He gave me white wine and homemade dumplings. Nothing romantic happened. At the back of my mind, I imagined my secret crush was watching me from wherever it is the dead go---and disapproving of it all. However, the need for affection is overwhelming.
I am sorry that this entry is so bleak---I decided to be honest. I need someone to be honest to. Nobody I associate with at school or in my social life knows I am a paranoid schizophrenic. Also, nobody knew I had deep feelings for my secret crush, who was a classmate of mine. I feel fragmented; this identity split into little compartments with nobody to share my secrets with. So, rather than risk losing friends and close associates, I will reach out to total strangers (you) and beg for understanding and tolerance.
My future epigraph: splintered no more.
Rest in peace, love, you have a hidden nook in me!
my secret crush died two weeks ago. He had a wife and child and I could never tell him the truth: that I was enamored with him. Now, he is gone from this world forever. His death has made me a new person; somebody desperate for love, for affection. I need somebody to hold me, to love me, to make me feel whole again. I know this is not possible---nobody can make another person whole, but in my time of mourning I feel restless and needy. I need.
I have a study session with my partner in one of my foreign language classes tomorrow. He doesn't know that I've taken in interest in him since my secret crush died. This new man stares at me with a strange intensity. He invited me over to study last week. He gave me white wine and homemade dumplings. Nothing romantic happened. At the back of my mind, I imagined my secret crush was watching me from wherever it is the dead go---and disapproving of it all. However, the need for affection is overwhelming.
I am sorry that this entry is so bleak---I decided to be honest. I need someone to be honest to. Nobody I associate with at school or in my social life knows I am a paranoid schizophrenic. Also, nobody knew I had deep feelings for my secret crush, who was a classmate of mine. I feel fragmented; this identity split into little compartments with nobody to share my secrets with. So, rather than risk losing friends and close associates, I will reach out to total strangers (you) and beg for understanding and tolerance.
My future epigraph: splintered no more.
Rest in peace, love, you have a hidden nook in me!
No comments:
Post a Comment
No spam or hate mail, please. Thanks for your interest!