Diary Entry: An April Fool

Today is April Fool's day and I can tell you I feel like one.

Diaries are usually private. Mine is not. Mine is so open and leaves me so exposed that I have to hide under an alias; a fake persona. Why? I live as a schizo-affective in secret. Only my shrink, family, and my ex-boyfriends know. I make them all pinky swear not to tell anybody else. I know one day my secret might come out to my casual friends and professors. I brace myself for the moment that happens. I will try my best not to run into the distance, towards the safety of my warm bed, to hide under my covers and cower.

My last entry made me a little sad when I reread it today. The article I read on the NY Times blog was so positive and hopeful, but I let all those nasty comments at the end get under my skin. I made a pact with myself not to delete any entries I make, even if I am totally upset at the time, because that would be like artistic dishonesty. Instead, I will just post and let it stand as a moment that I cannot take back. Despite wanting to go back and delete the part when I get all agitated over the article's comments, I won't delete the last blog entry. You are free to judge me based on what my fingers type at any given moment. Just don't send me any hate mail, I am too sensitive and your words will sting deeply.

This entry is just a moment of ephemeral vulnerability. As soon as I finish posting this I will go take a walk along the canal banks and listen to industrial music. I will dream of being able to state my mental disability without fear of scorn. I will daydream about going to graduate school and doing research papers that will get high grades. Some people daydream about winning the lottery---I daydream about writing an amazing paper on linguistics. Funny, huh?

Thank you for reading! :)