Learning Self-discipline

I had to take two short summer session courses to fulfill GE requirements. They were intensive, three hour classes held five days a week. Imagine a person prone to manic episodes attempting to sit very still for prolonged periods of time. That was me. Sitting still can be difficult for anybody, but sitting still for somebody with schizo-affective disorder can be a painful ordeal in self-discipline. 

I wanted to be sprinting around the science building, not stuck inside a little classroom with 12 other students, listening to the steady, monotonous voice of a professor who expected total discipline from us. Discipline is routine for me: I exert self-discipline when I do not blurt out the fact that I'm nuts when I first meet someone. I exert self-discipline when I speak so that my thoughts are orderly and not tangential tidbits from the schizophrenic parts of my brain. I am quite self-disciplined, but in order to behave like others do I must struggle twice as hard. 

There is a certain etiquette to college, an etiquette that I slowly developed through trial and error. Do not display inappropriate affect. Do not fall asleep. Do not raise your hand to answer every question. Do not bite your lip and refuse to speak when called upon. Do not say anything off topic. Do not say things on the fringe of the topic. For example, if discussing the Bonobo monkey, do not raise your hand and suddenly change the topic to Chimpanzees. While they are in the same family, they are not in the same lecture. Thus, I learned to shut my mouth. And then open my mouth (with a very controlled train of thought). This might be a moot point for you---but for me, it took training. 

This is why I am grateful I have the habit of being 30 minutes early to all my classes. I usually end up conversing with another student before class, which makes the class less inhospitable and spooky. Getting along with just one other person can make the most dreadful class tolerable! Truly, I think I got through my college ordeal thanks to random professors and students who smiled at me. :)

P.S. I have completed all the requirements for my B.A. I am now just awaiting for the eval office to process my application for graduation. Soon, I will be "Skizzie Lizzie, college graduate." Then, in August, "Skizzie Lizzie, Graduate Student." I have been daydreaming today about applying to a PhD program in 2013, just before I will be slated for my last year in the master's program. I probably will not get accepted into the programs of my choice, but you never know. It is still a blast daydreaming about one day, seven years in the future, being "Dr. Skizzie Lizzie." (I'm cracking up right now, just thinking about it). 

P.P.S. I vow that if I fail miserably, like a total epic failure, I will be honest about it. This blog is like my confession booth, and you are listening through that little mesh screen, waiting for me to quit rambling so you can shoo me out the door with the sign of the cross. ;)