Hypersensitivity & Social Skills (or lack thereof)

Dear public online diary,

today I became very nervous about my interaction with an acquaintance of mine. I met him about a year ago and we got along easily. Over the course of that year we would stop and greet each other, exchange niceties, and part on good terms. Now, I feel insecure after sending him two emails. The first email was to greet him and ask him how he was. The second email was a reply to his reply, along with some follow up questions about something. He replied to this, but I started to think he was just being nice and that I was annoying him.

He gave no indication of being annoyed, but I feel like he must be wondering why I am contacting him. To be honest, I am lonely, bored, and attracted to him. I tend to seek out the company of males whenever I have free time. I respect him and I find him intelligent and attractive. I don't want to make him irritated with me. I also don't want to drop all communication with him. Still, I get paranoid, and whenever I get hypersensitive about social skills I back off until that person seeks me out.

I can never tell when someone is secretly wishing I would leave them alone. Sometimes, I bluntly tell them that I can never tell when I am being annoying and to just let me know when they want to stop chatting. I find that that only works half the time because the really kind people don't want you to know that you are annoying them. Ah, dilemma.

So, for now, I must be content to desire this man from afar. I hate rejection. I also hate being annoying. I also hate being lonely. Life, meh. 

Article/Video on Social Skills & Mental Dysfunction

I was reading an article on the Wallstreet Journal's website concerning social skills and how waning social skills might indicate mental dysfunction. I think these insights should be used as pre-emptive diagnostics, long before the dementia, autism, or schizophrenia wreaks total havoc on a person's life.

I know first hand that social skills, or rather, lack thereof, are signals of neurological illness. For myself, a schizo-affective, I know when my mind is sinking into illness when I think every compliment is sarcasm, every comment is a subtle jab at my intelligence or appearance, and when I spend five minutes secretly trying to decipher a facial expression that a person had for a split second.

I hope you find the article interesting. I posted the link below. The link goes to the Wallstreet Journal's website where both the article and an accompanying video can be found.

To all the schizophrenic or bipolar readers, please read the article and know that you have a neurological disorder that is not your fault and that there are warning signs you have that can help you to stop a potential episode before it ever happens. I can vouch for this; I've stayed out of Hospital since 2009 or 2010, compared to the yearly or bi-annual forced hospitalizations that I  had from between the ages of 19-25. I can definitely say that I owe my freedom and well-being to my family, to the outpatient programs, and to the recovery model in mental illness treatment which focuses on monitoring oneself on a daily basis and reinforcing positive thoughts.


http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424127887323398204578489542660099544.html?ru=yahoo?mod=yahoo_itp

Controlling Symptoms on a Daily Basis

For anybody, graduate school and financial strife is stressful. For me, someone who has bipolar disorder with severe manic episodes (my schizo side of schizo-affective), stress takes on new meaning. Yet even this double amount of stress is possible to manage.

First, it is crucial to develop social skills required for college and life in general. This means learning to read people's body language, backing off when they turn away, smiling in return to a smile, and knowing how to understand a social boundary and where the boundary is drawn for different people. This can be a chore. It can also be embarrassing. When I am manic, I tend to be very extroverted, gushing over everybody, texting everyone on my cell phone, and generally being obnoxiously cheerful. When severely manic (read: psychotic) I withdraw completely, too afraid of being hurt that I retreat into the private domain of my bedroom. I dive into the intricate internal world of madness, denying the existence of real people in the process. When depressed, I also retreat into my bedroom, only to mull over the hopelessness of everything in general. As you can see, this affects my social life.

Learning to manage symptoms related to social skills is critical for well-being and a healthy recovery. I have to consciously remind myself that I must not raise my hand at every question when I am manic, or stare at the floor during an hour and a half lecture with a pained look on my face while depressed. It is all about moderation. Learning to compartamentalize the struggle of having a mental illness is important because it allows for appropriate social interaction. I understand that I am different and I try to "box" the parts of me that are illness-related. So, when I am manic, I put half my enthusiasm into a "box" and tape the lid down, mentally. When depressed, I put the sadness into the box and make infrequent eye contact with people around me, as I would normally do when in a neutral state.

I am still learning how to navigate around the world. My therapist says I have good social skills but I am still very nervous about my social skills. I like to practice on them by periodically taking up a conversation with someone I am not familiar with. I tend to smile and greet them, then ask them how they are doing in our classes. Then I back off a little or pretend like I need to go to the bathroom in order to make my escape.

So, I have found that with medication, a supportive network (I am lucky to have a great therapist and this blog), it is totally feasible to live a healthy life with friends and mentors. Thanks for reading!