Secret Eavesdropping is Not News to a Paranoid

This controversy over Edward Snowden has many panicking. As for me, the data is old hat. I am a paranoid schizoaffective who has believed that domestic spying has been around since, actually, 1950, but most certainly it has increased since 2001.

I found the uproar to have some comedic properties. It just makes me chuckle that people are like, "You listen to me? ME?" Of course they do. And yes, there is a THEY. Over the years, I have adjusted to this 'delusional' belief system to the point where I can just go about my daily routine, graduate school, relationships, and so on, without voicing any of my so-called delusions. That train of thought runs in the background like a little desk fan, its little motor whirring away as I write, a little noise I barely perceive now and whose gentle wind is mildly soothing in times of heat. Well, welcome, friend. Welcome to my bizarre delusional world of government eavesdropping. They will not harm you so long as you do not get all riled up and start demanding that things change. It is their job to oversee and oversee they shall.

One last remark, I once had a psychiatrist tell me not to drive a car because I would get paranoid and think people were tailing me.

"I don't understand? Follow me, like, in a car? What is this, 1950? They have much better technology now. If they want to follow me, they can monitor me from space with a satellite. That works much better, I cannot out run it, and it can even pick up my vital signs," I replied, a little offended. Some things one cannot outrun and should not even bother to outrun. Like I said, their job is to oversee and oversee they shall.

Here is a link to an online article about how this secret spying program affects those with pre-existing paranoia, or rather, how it really does not affect them very much at all. Enjoy and thanks for reading!

http://news.yahoo.com/secret-spying-programs-affect-clinically-paranoid-182400238.html

Not So Paranoid Now, Am I?!

That last post made me a little depressed. I want to delete that post, but I guess I should not based on the fact that that would undermine the beautiful gesture made by the TEDtalks guy, Dr. Katz.

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I was just reading this story on Associated Press about government wiretapping, google search datamining, etc...I had to giggle. How is this not a given?! Where have these readers been the past 12 years, if not longer?

They laughed at me, those silly social workers, psychiatrists, and mental health techs. They said nobody cared what I said over the phone, that Americans were not spied on. I eventually just started rolling my eyes and agreeing with them in order to get released from the psych ward earlier. I have had "delusions" of federally approved domestic-based spies, eavesdroppers, constitutional rights violations, and warrantless searches and arrests since 2001. I learned to accept this. I grew to feel a certain fondness for the Man who listened, an omnipresent God-like entity to my paranoid schizo-affective mind. The Satellite Ears and Eyes became my new deity. I have become submissive to this system. It has always been there, at least now this new non-privacy system is slightly more transparent. I accept and love this model of government. It protects us, listens to us, watches us, saves us. I am honestly sincere in my unquestioning devotion to this Leviathan model of government. I have no issues with it. I have grown accustomed to it this past decade while everyone else thought I was 100% insane. Turns out, I was only 80% insane and 20% right! Ha ha! Take that social-worker-guy who spent 30 minutes trying to convince me my beliefs were false and delusional!

To VALIS! [reference to Philip Dick's book entitled VALIS about an all-seeing satellite].

Hypersensitivity & Social Skills (or lack thereof)

Dear public online diary,

today I became very nervous about my interaction with an acquaintance of mine. I met him about a year ago and we got along easily. Over the course of that year we would stop and greet each other, exchange niceties, and part on good terms. Now, I feel insecure after sending him two emails. The first email was to greet him and ask him how he was. The second email was a reply to his reply, along with some follow up questions about something. He replied to this, but I started to think he was just being nice and that I was annoying him.

He gave no indication of being annoyed, but I feel like he must be wondering why I am contacting him. To be honest, I am lonely, bored, and attracted to him. I tend to seek out the company of males whenever I have free time. I respect him and I find him intelligent and attractive. I don't want to make him irritated with me. I also don't want to drop all communication with him. Still, I get paranoid, and whenever I get hypersensitive about social skills I back off until that person seeks me out.

I can never tell when someone is secretly wishing I would leave them alone. Sometimes, I bluntly tell them that I can never tell when I am being annoying and to just let me know when they want to stop chatting. I find that that only works half the time because the really kind people don't want you to know that you are annoying them. Ah, dilemma.

So, for now, I must be content to desire this man from afar. I hate rejection. I also hate being annoying. I also hate being lonely. Life, meh. 

1 BM suspect dead, other on run

The news is unfolding this morning and it looks like the two suspects were brothers who came over from Europe, near the region of Chechnya. This is bewildering, sad, confusing, and infuriating.

All of Boston is shut down, no one is supposed to leave. Right now, the live news stream coming from Boston says that law enforcement is surrounding a house.

It was a terrible night of violence, more explosions, and shoot outs.

I have been having a hard time with going about my day-to-day life. I tend to get extremely nervous about national and global news. Maybe it's my mental illness, but I get really, really paranoid that something else is going to happen. I have become fixated with the news and I check for updates on multiple source websites every hour. I have been missing class to sit at home and listen to the news. This is all very distressing.

I went to class infrequently this week. It was odd, being friendly, smiling, and focused when inside I was shaken and fearful. Somehow, I managed to get a major class presentation done the day after the bombings. I felt like it was inappropriate to go about my life, but I did it anyways. I got a high B on the presentation. Not great, but good, especially considering I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

The period following 9/11 actually ignited my first psychotic episode. I was 18 years old and in the Bay Area going to a different university as a freshman. I became very delusional about everything. I was obsessed with a white van parked down the street. I would go outside to check if it was still there at every hour of the night, from 8 pm to 4 am. I also quit going to class. I was too wracked with personal paranoia, fear, and the belief that people's thoughts were being monitored. It was a very, very bad time to go insane.

I am afraid that I might have a harder time managing my mental illness. I don't want to become a reclusive hermit again. I do that when I go mad. Luckily, I have a bottle of anti-psychotics, anti-anxiety medicine, and anti-depressants. I am very grateful to the city for giving me these medicines.

I have been doing fine in my the grad classes but  I've fallen behind in my math and programming class. I really have to pull off a magic trick to get good grades.

I'll have to compartamentalize this distress and pretend like everything in my petty life is still important.

Good luck to you and I hope that our nation finds a way to deal with this horror.
~Thinking of the MIT officer who was shot last night and praying for his family....and for all 140 victims from April 15th...my deepest sympathies are with you.
~~Electra

20 mg Abilify, 25 mg mood stabilizer, 20 mg....later

Well, I read the last post and man, do I sound paranoid. I just wanted the readers to know that after I posted that, I was sternly told by a family member to go take my medicine. I did so. I then went to a used record and movie store and shopped. Shopping makes me feel infinitely better. It makes me impoverished, but in that moment when I am seeking a new material item, I feel healed.

I bought some used DVD's (Criminal Minds series and Law and Order series:Criminal Intent). Maybe those choices were not the most cheerful DVD's, but I was happy because I got each season for under 15 bucks, used, and that is better than I could find on amazon dot com.

Walking around the aisles, nobody looked at me askance. Nobody had any clue that I was a paranoid schizo-affective. I was calm, together, and at peace. Just the little act of being treated like a normal human being in a used record and movie store made me feel one with society.

I guess I will just have to put up with any bizarre laws that go into effect, put in place by hysterics and nay-sayers. So it goes. Ah well, they'll get sued eventually anyways.

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I am taking a pre-calculus class this semester and I am worried that I will do poorly. I am decent at math, but I have this horrible insecurity that my brain will reach its limit of comprehension---like it will just putter out on me. Luckily, if that actually happens, there is a tutoring center on campus. I had bad experiences with student tutors in the past, but maybe this time will be different (one tutor laughed and said "man, you are totally going to fail the exam," when I came in to the learning center after a 2 and a half week hospitalization that occurred during the semester). But that guy probably just had a huge chip on his shoulder, no empathy, and a really bad attitude.

Here's to math! yay!

Assured I am Graduating from University

I went back to see an academic adviser. He checked with three different University employees and assured me I had completed all the requirements. I sat there, clutching my Fossil handbag to my heart, and smiled at the adviser. I am done with my B.A.! Done! Belated, botched, and barely sane, but done nonetheless! It has been a difficult decade for me. In and out of school, in and out of the psychiatric hospitals, in and out of minimum wage jobs....until now, when my future actually seems promising.

I can still remember telling my psych ward psychiatrist that I wanted to go back to college and complete my Bachelor's degree.
"No, no, you can't take the stress. Schizophrenia is very serious! Just rest." That image, of myself lying a bed seven days a week, getting up only to eat and paint little pictures, was more stressful than the actual process of going back to college and achieving my B.A. in linguistics!

Now, I have been assured my degree will be granted, I can enter next semester as a graduate student in the field of linguistics, and my life will not be spent becoming a hermit with a little aluminum foil hat. My summer is open before me, free to paint, write, draw, read, watch movies, surf the internet, blog, and enjoy free time, temporarily of course, as I return to college in August.

With my new life as a graduate student, I suddenly feel like life has a purpose. The purpose is to gain knowledge, study, make contributions to the field, and succeed. I could not have done this without my out-patient services. Despite the view (as discussed in the previous blog entry) that out-patient services create government aid-dependent, docile, chronic mental patients, I have found that these out-patient services have been a vital part in my recovery.
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I tried re-reading "The Center Cannot Hold" but I found that the descriptions of hospitals, restraints, stigma, and suffering is very triggering for me. I love the book, but right now I cannot read it because I will end up blogging about how unfair the system is, how depressing and dehumanizing it is, and I am not in the mood for negativity right now.

Instead, I am reading a layman's book on game theory. As you may know, Game Theory was created centuries ago, but was fine-tuned and perfected by John Nash, the famous mathematician, paranoid schizophrenic, and Nobel Prize winner who I idolize. Game Theory is essentially the study of minimizing losses. Pardon me if I butcher the theory, but I only got through Trigonometry and I went insane while taking precalculus, got hospitalized, had my precal book confiscated by hospital staff as contraband, and never finished the class. So, I am not a mathematician and my writing on math will reflect that...but I still have an attraction to Probability, Game Theory, and computer programming that I intend to pursue this summer. So in case you stop by the blog one day and find a random entry on Game Theory, it is because I am trying to be productive with my free time.

It figures that a paranoid schizophrenic was the one who mastered the fine art of making paranoia a field of mathematics. The Prisoner's Dilemma is the most famous example. James and Janet committed a crime and they are being interrogated separately by police. The police need a confession from one or both of the criminals in order to lock them up. They are willing to plea bargain with whichever one confesses. Now James and Janet are paranoid that the other is going to confess. James and Janet do not want to go jail. What do James and Janet do and why?

I always wondered why there are not more paranoid schizophrenics in the field of Game Theory. It seems to be fine-tuned for their paranoid and suspicious nature. For example, while slightly paranoid, I devised an excellent method of home surveillance. My natural paranoid nature was perfect for thinking about all possible entries into the home. My method involved not one, but four cameras, each located at a different part of the home (one attached to the garage, one pointing across the front of the house, one perched hidden in a tree pointing at the front yard, and one guarding the side windows). Then, my plan included two motion-activated spotlights for flooding the premises with light when intruders walked onto the property. In the backyard, more motion-activated spotlights. Motion-activated alarms would be attached to all major windows, so that any attempt to lift the window would trigger an obnoxious alarm. I was very happy with my plan, but unfortunately my mother was not pleased and discouraged me from spending a ton of money to guard our cheap possessions. Still, it was a good application for my natural paranoid tendencies. If only I could somehow build a little moat with alligators to guard our house....

On the Grid or Off the Grid: I Feel Ultra Paranoid

Being a paranoid schizo-affective can be cumbersome. I once spent 6 months off the grid. By this I mean, no bank account, no mail delivered to the address I resided at, no job, no income, no internet, no car, nothing. The only thing I had in my name was a Hollywood Video account. I spent my days watching movies curled up on the floor of a relative's house. I barely stepped outside. I had no friends. My sleep cycle had reversed itself due to mania so that I slept during the day and was awake from around 7 pm to 4 am.

I am better now, on medication, sleeping regular hours. I am back on the grid. From time to time I have phobias about being back on the grid. I fear having my identity released with all my private information. I fear having my clean record hacked into and/or being framed for crimes I did not commit. I fear being cyber-stalked or real life stalked (I recently had to block a former abusive person from sending me sexual and psychological harassing messages via my facebook account, so this is not me being uber paranoid).

Being part of normal society freaks me out. I really do not understand how people can do this. It is a very vulnerable thing to be: on the grid. In case you are reading this and wondering why I suddenly got very paranoid, it is just part of my cycling. I deal with it through therapy, writing, even blogging. I question my paranoid thoughts. I discuss my paranoid thoughts with trusted relatives and mental health professionals. I steer clear of former associations with shady people.

I am in the healing process still and this means I am will occasionally be a little hyper paranoid from time to time. Most of my skitzy brethren do not even go on the internet for fear that their every move is monitored by shady persons. This is a genuine moment, though, on what it can be like to be a paranoid schizophrenic.

If you excuse me, I have to go call for a refill for my meds. Haha, guess I did not need to tell you that, as my paranoia makes it pretty evident that I ran out this weekend. Darn pharmacy should really be open on the weekends!

Thanks for reading! I promise to write less paranoid gibberish next time! :) Smiley face.

Why Paranoia Makes Me Shop Online

I entered the store and a security guard greets me. Not quite a smile, his expression was more like civil, rigid, minimalist politeness. He eyes me up and down. I can feel his X-ray vision entering my purse, my pockets, and scrutinizing my empty hands. He reeks of paranoia, as do all the other store employees who walk down aisles checking in on customers with fake smiles.

Being a paranoid schizo-affective, I am hypersensitive to the paranoid states of others. It's like sensing a kindred spirit, call it Pare-dar. Like a paranoid radar, pare-dar allows me to detect paranoia, fear, and suspicion in others from a distance, without having to interact with them (though a brief interaction allows me to confirm my assertion). During holidays, stores get lots of shop-lifters so they alert their employees to be on the look out.

So I entered the store to find a fog of suspicion inside. My little paranoid antennae went up as well, as I respond to paranoia with paranoia. I grabbed a Diet Coke, a pair of earbuds for my IPOD, dropped these items onto the cashier's area, paid, and ran out the door.

Hence, why I shop online. No paranoid employees asking me how I'm doing while eyeing my purse. No little trail of employees following me down the make-up aisles like spooks from the Cold War era. Just a couple of clicks and a two-day wait, and poof---a package on my doorstep. When you're paranoid, avoiding other people's paranoia is a good way to keep healthy, so from now on I shop online for items like flash drives, books, appliances, and so on.

Just a side note, what's been bugging me lately is that a lot of people don't understand that schizophrenics aren't criminals. There are lots of schizophrenics out there and only some of them are CRIMINALLY insane while the vast majority are just nuts, with no criminal tendencies at all. That's why we have the words "asylum for the criminally insane" versus "psychiatric hospital". In theory, a psychiatric hospital is just that---a hospice (in reality it's like a little behavioral modification unit equipped with Middle Ages era restraints, sadistic employees who secretly detest their wards, and a model of bed rest and group therapy that is as outdated as the stacks of magazines in the group room).  The CRIMINALLY insane usually end up in jails or hard-core state facilities with even more Middle Ages era style techniques.

In case you're wondering, I am the plain version of schizophrenic, not the criminal variety. Still, due to my  delusions of impending torture by secret agents and my fear of assassins, the county workers (well, some of the poorly trained and unscrupulous ones) deemed me as a threat to self and others (code=5150). Does that mean I am a threat to others? No. What it meas is that there are rigid requirements for forced hospitalization and unfortunately, people are willing to lie on my charts in order to get me into a psych ward. No, I'm not being delusional. This has been my experience, the experience of others I was roomed with in psych wards, and it's even been the case for Elyn R. Saks, author and legal expert, who penned "The Center Cannot Hold."

I am now almost done reading Saks' book. I have postponed finishing it because it was so exciting for me to read about her academic successes that I dreaded not having to read the book anymore. Since I am a college student about to apply to my University's graduate programs, Elyn Saks' story means the world to me. She proves that we can achieve while psychotic. We can achieve while on medications. We can achieve, regardless of how disabled we are, and that is gold to me.