Preparing to Celebrate May is Mental Health Awareness Month 2012

Dear reader,

I am so happy right now! Thanks to support from a mental health organization, as well as support from my campus Office of Services for Students with Disabilities, I am preparing to hold an event at my University in honor of Mental Health Awareness Month this May! I am thrilled! Ordinarily, I would be apprehensive about talking about my mental illness to my peers on campus, but it is for a larger purpose; equality for the mentally ill! Though I may own up only to my mood disorder and not my accompanying schizophrenia (I am schizo-affective which is bipolar disorder mingled with (paranoid) schizophrenia), I think this is a great opportunity to finally be honest about having a mental illness. I have struggled a lot with this living in compartments, with my mental illness hidden in a corner of my soul and my student persona the only thing visible.

My plan for "May is Mental Health Month" is to have a few tables out in the quad area on campus. The tables will hold brochures with information about major mental illnesses, resources for those who live with them, brochures on the legal rights of people with a mental illness, information on the Americans With Disabilities Act (the ADA), and hopefully, a video that shows famous people with mental illnesses, such as my personal hero, John Nash (inventor of Game Theory and Nobel Prize Winner who lives with paranoid schizophrenia). I already made a 6 minute video using my macbook's iMovie and iDVD programs. Still, I need to show it to my University sponsor, who will need to approve the contents. I would like to just loop the movie and play it over and over on my laptop for anybody interested in stopping by and watching it.

The plan is at its minimal operation. My grandiose plan (yes, I can get grandiose, I still battle with over the top, implausible goals and aspirations) is to reserve a room where we can have a big event. The big event would start with a presenter explaining the history of the treatment of the mentally ill, accompanied by a slideshow. Then, maybe we can play the video I put together of famous people with a mental illness. Next, maybe a few people can talk about living with a mental illness in a society that stigmatizes mental patients. Finally, we can have a series of tables set up and free time for the audience to walk around and see all the tables. One table will be an information and resource table. Another table will have artwork done by local artists with a mental illness. Another table will be a "hall of fame" table where we provide information on successful people who live with a mental illness.

What do you think? I know I can go over the top---but that's the way my mind is built. If we only get approval for a small table with a few pamphlets I will be happy. If we get my grandiose plan approved I will faint from euphoria!

The important thing is that I get this event approved and completed. This means I have to spend the month of April getting things approved, running around getting fliers printed, requesting informational materials, and spending finals week promoting this event. I think I can do it, so long as I spend all day in the library with my textbooks and laptop. 2 hours of studying, 2 hours of promoting, 2 hours of more studying, 2 hours of organizing....good thing I am hypomanic, lol (hypomanic=mild state of mania including feelings of increased energy, ambition, lofty goals, and near hyperactivity)!

Commentary on "Punishing the Mentally Ill" by Bruce A. Arrigo

"Punishing the Mentally Ill: A Critical Analysis of Law and Psychiatry" by Bruce A. Arrigo is a book on the recent system of the laws concerning the handling of mentally ill people. I checked this book out from my campus library. After reading Elyn R. Saks book, "The Center Cannot Hold," my interest in the law has increased. Like Elyn Saks, I have found that is it vital for all people with a mental illness to know their rights. This means every person with a mental illness, not just those who commit criminal activities (and no, those two are usually not correlated to each other).

In the last entry, "Skizzy Lizzie," I describe being restrained against my wishes without reason. In this book, "Punishing the Mentally Ill," I found the exact response I should have said to that EMT. "Sir, you are violating my 14th amendment right, which states I have the right to freedom of movement and freedom from bodily restraint."

If somebody had just told me that I have a right to refuse restraints (and no, I wasn't trying to punch him, escape, or any sort of illegal activity), I would feel a lot better about the treatment practices in my own country.

Though the book goes on to discuss the mentally ill criminal, an aspect of the law that does not pertain to my personal experiences, the first chapter, "Civil Commitment and Paternalism" has been eye opening for me. I strongly encourage people to read this book. It is crucial that we, as law-abiding patients, understand that nobody has the right to violate our constitutional rights when no crime is being committed.

As our freedom of movement and freedom to exist out of captivity depends on what a doctor scribbles on his pad, I feel that it is vital that we have evidence of the "allegations" made by doctors, such as "danger to self", "danger to others", "gravely disabled" and so on. This is as simple as providing a witness when the doctor is in the room while the patient's statement is taken. I cannot reiterate enough how all humans are subject to errors of judgment and errors of comprehension---one of my triage doctors himself made an error---not the only time an error has been acted on. On a personal note, in the past I have had to get a doctor's statement decertified, something which I am positive was only done because I called my rights' advocate and requested that somebody examine the surveillance tapes that had proof of what I said and did not say, did and did not do.
Yes, you are probably thinking "doctors are never wrong" or "wow, she sounds paranoid", or, "whatever, you're clearly a nutcase." If so, you are ignorant of the reality of the hospitalization process. I forgive you, as you are taking the time to read this. :)

Here is a link to the book on which I have commented on, available for only 15 dollars on amazon dot com!
"Punishing the Mentally Ill" by Bruce A. Arrigo

May is Mental Health Awareness Month and I encourage you, the reader, to celebrate this day by taking a moment to thank those who have worked tirelessly on the rights of the mentally ill population.

Thank you for reading!

Skizzy Lizzie

I always wanted to write a book, but agents are expensive and the market is primarily for mystery or romance, so I guess my manuscript "Skizzy Lizzie: Autobiography of a Paranoid Schizophrenic" will never be.....how sad (sad face).

I guess I'll make due with this blog and the few folks who stop by to play the voyeur. Thanks for stopping in to read this, by the way! I like to see that people are interested in learning what it is like to be a person with a mental illness. I only hope I am worthy of your attention!

I told my psychologist about the Stanford lecturer and his tales of goat killing, maniacal schizophrenics. She told me this would be something I would likely encounter again in the future, and this made me very sad. Sometimes I feel like a pioneer, being in college after receiving a grim prognosis, but other times I feel very small and pathetic, like maybe I can complete my degree, but only after years of struggling, and even then the big question looms: what will I do for money?

I'm 28 years old and I still don't have my degree. I am slated to graduate after taking 2 summer courses in early June. I'm 28 and I don't have any relevant work experience, unless you count delivering pizzas as relevant, and most companies would just scoff. I'm 28 and I'm not married, I don't have offspring, I live with my family, and I go to school with kids who think 23 years is really, really old.

It could be worse, though. Memories of being in a hospital are much worse. You'd think the security would be good, but it's not. The nurses all hide in their rooms and I've had several instances of perverted older men sneak into my room and try things....mental institutions are not day spas. They are not safe. They are remnants of some barbaric practice of subjugation and horror from the Middle Ages. I get restrained onto gurneys every time they ship me from one hospital to another by EMT's with no thought as to the fear that comes with being tied up. They don't even look into my eyes, they just grab me as though my body were state property, push me back into a flat, lying position, and handcuff me to a stretcher. No reason, no justification, not even a little, "this is for your own good" speech, just instant and unnecessary force. I can honestly say I have never hit or attacked anybody in my years of being actively psychotic----so what legal justification is there for tying me to a bed during the ambulance ride?

If you're schizophrenic like I am, maybe you've been through this: the brutality of the mental health system, the death threats of deranged, possibly drug using patients, the presence of felons who are likely faking mental illness to get a few weeks out of their cell, nurses that do not protect your mental well being, social workers who think all mental patients need disability money and a good, soft pillow for sleeping (because that's all they should do---sleep!), and an outpatient service system that is bordering on bankruptcy. Here are some links I found helpful. If (or when) I am hospitalized again, I am writing the number of my local ACLU branch on my arm in ink so that I can have 24/7 access to my legal rights.

San Diego Branch of the ACLU: Phone: (619) 232-2121 (American Civil Liberties Union)
website: http://www.aclusandiego.org

I input San Diego since I'm in Central California. For more information, please see the main ACLU page at : http://www.aclu.org/

Find your local NAMI (National Alliance for the Mentally Ill): NAMI locations
Your Rights as a Patient in a Psychiatric Facility: Patient Bill of Rights at healthyminds.org

Remember, every moment you step up for the rights of the mentally ill is potentially one less time somebody else in the future will have to do the same. :)

Comment on Stanford University lecture on Schizophrenia

I had to stop watching this youtube lecture posted by Stanford University entitled "Schizophrenia." It was like listening to some horrible spiel describing the 1% totally demented, violent, antagonistic schizophrenics as though these profiles were common place.

I would be offended if somebody told me a racist remark. Why is nobody offended by these prejudiced remarks about the mentally ill? Listening to this lecturer give his speech was like sitting in on horror story after horror story about worse-case scenarios. First he starts talking about a male with a history of psychiatric hospitalizations who was attending a prestigious medical University ("Should he even have been there," laments the lecturer) who then goes on to castrate himself because of delusions. The next story involved a woman in another country who killed a goat with her bare hands and was running around naked.

Why didn't he tell stories about more common place schizophrenics: Roy refused to get out of bed for 2 weeks because he was hearing voices. Roy eventually went on medication. Roy then recovered.

Or, Maria believed she was about to be killed so she ran away from home and was brought back by police after her family called in a missing person. Maria went in and out of hospitals. Doctors all listened to Stanford lecturers and convinced Maria and her family that she was fated to be a goat-killing lunatic with no chance of a future. Maria now lives on the street and talks to herself while feeding pigeons.

To quote the Stanford Lecturer to audience of easily influenced undergrads: (about the male schizophrenic med student) "should he even have been there?"

It depends how much you value your constitution sir. Equality can be a bitch, sometimes, can't it? I would like you to know that out there somewhere is a graduate of medical school with paranoid schizophrenia---and he still has his testicles. No self-castration there.

As for his claim that stressors turn all schizophrenics into self-harming threats: there are anti-anxiety drugs out there for sale pretty cheap nowadays. No stressful anxiety=small chance of total psychotic break.

To recap the contents of this blog, I've been at the University for a year now. Gee, maybe it's not Stanford, but hell, after that, you can bet I wouldn't apply there or look up to somebody who got their psych degree at Stanford. Anyways, each term I've had a loved one die. Is that not a major stressor? According to the lecturer's logic I'd be cutting on myself or on a goat and running around naked right about now.  First semester, my aunt dies in a tragic car accident and leaves my young cousins orphans (my uncle died years ago). Summer session my cousin commits suicide. I was very fond of that cousin and we had lived in the same house for several years. I got a 4.0 and no goats were harmed. When the regular semester began I was still in mourning yet I managed to make the Dean's list. Then, I managed to get a 3.2 taking 16 units after watching my beloved grandfather get taken off his respirator. Then, this semester, my close friend, classmate, and secret crush dies of a heart attack. I am not psychotic at the moment, despite forgetting to take my medication for weeks at a time.

I am sad, yes. I am struggling, yes. But I monitor my behavior, my emails, and my moods. I am not unique. I am one of many schizophrenics struggling to be accepted, respected, and advanced in society, despite naysayers, haters, and prejudiced people condemning us; be it on religious or pseudo-scientific grounds.

I am glad I live in California where the recovery and reintegration model is accepted and adhered to. My psychiatrist knows damn well that I, and other schizophrenics, do not tend to kill goats while psychotic, or castrate ourselves. I hope one day, the rest of you well know that as well.

Grad School: to go or not to go

I have been approved to graduate from my University despite being 2 upper-division classes shy of the requirements. The academic counselor suggested I walk in May for my Bachelor's degree ceremony and then take two 100-series classes this summer to earn my diploma before Fall 2012.

By June 15th, I will have earned my BA in linguistics (barring a sudden, unexpected catastrophe) and I will then be faced with the obscure future of post-graduate existence. While I still have 2 and a half months to go, I must decide whether to apply for graduate school right away. I am planning on requesting a letter of recommendation from my professor and I need to give him time to procrastinate on writing it for me, as the deadline is in April.

I am reading a book called "The Graduate Grind" by Hinchey and Kimmel. This book looks critically at the culture and customs of the graduate education system. Essentially, the book points out the flaws of the institution, citing the University's habits of forcing conformist attitudes into their students. Add to this the stigmatization of students who are considered "others" (i.e. minorities, females, gays/lesbians, working class students). The System is a giant mouth with shark teeth that chews up Others. I am an Other. Mentally disabled, female, minority, bisexual, and working class. If I am indeed accepted into this program, I am already expecting a backlash against me. While I am passionate about the subject I am no idiot when it comes to subtle forms of discrimination or sabotage, and I have already been mistreated by faculty as an undergraduate (falsely accused of cheating by one professor and given a 0 grade on an assignment I turned in a total of 3 times by another professor, requiring me to inundate him with emails during his sabbatical with email evidence that he had received my work, thus forcing him to change my grade by an entire letter grade).
While I was a pothead, the worst case scenario was that I could get stabbed or shot or arrested during my attempts to acquire marijuana. Now that I am sober and a dutiful student, I find that Academia is another type of jungle; one where I could be failed, expelled, sabotaged, or psychologically attacked by people who believe themselves to be my intellectual superiors. I honestly can't tell you which lifestyle was worse.

I have every intention of groveling at the feet of my professor for the sacred letter of recommendation. Not because I want to partake in this culture of back-stabbing, superiority-complex driven, conformist crap, but because suffering this will lead me to my goal of teaching language or developing new strategies for language acquisition. I want to create, and apparently this requires a little certificate stating I threw my chips in and gambled with my time and money, but so it goes (as Kurt Vonnegut Jr. wrote).

Besides, as a mentally ill person living in society that abhors a schizophrenic, I am quite used to faking civility, friendliness, and conformity to others around me. This will be just another 2 years of lying, deception, and method acting. The only difference is, I won't be alone, as I hear the faculty is equally versed in subterfuge.

On Sorrow

Dear public, online diary,

my secret crush died two weeks ago. He had a wife and child and I could never tell him the truth: that I was enamored with him. Now, he is gone from this world forever. His death has made me a new person; somebody desperate for love, for affection. I need somebody to hold me, to love me, to make me feel whole again. I know this is not possible---nobody can make another person whole, but in my time of mourning I feel restless and needy. I need.

I have a study session with my partner in one of my foreign language classes tomorrow. He doesn't know that I've taken in interest in him since my secret crush died. This new man stares at me with a strange intensity. He invited me over to study last week. He gave me white wine and homemade dumplings. Nothing romantic happened. At the back of my mind, I imagined my secret crush was watching me from wherever it is the dead go---and disapproving of it all. However, the need for affection is overwhelming.

I am sorry that this entry is so bleak---I decided to be honest. I need someone to be honest to. Nobody I associate with at school or in my social life knows I am a paranoid schizophrenic. Also, nobody knew I had deep feelings for my secret crush, who was a classmate of mine. I feel fragmented; this identity split into little compartments with nobody to share my secrets with. So, rather than risk losing friends and close associates, I will reach out to total strangers (you) and beg for understanding and tolerance.

My future epigraph: splintered no more.

Rest in peace, love, you have a hidden nook in me!

Shopping For Bras When Busty

Shopping for bras when busty is an expensive endeavor. You would think that the lack of cotton stuffing that makes your cup size look bigger would equal a cheaper price. But apparently not, the added features of push-up bras, padded bras and water bras do not come close in price to making a sturdy bra for larger breasted women. The latter is way more expensive to purchase, though they never have water or cotton padding, or any real push-up structure. 

I feel like talking about breasts today.

My breasts are a little heavier than the norm. Then again, I am heavier than the norm, coming in at 163 pounds and only 5' 1" or 5' 2". It only makes sense that my breasts would be heavier, as breasts are largely tissue and fat, and I have lots of both! 

Finding the right bra is like finding the right man---some don't fit right, some fit okay for a while, others you just try on and then never bother with them again....so it goes. Right now I am wearing a bra that just came in the mail. I ordered it on amazon dot com. It is a transparent, lace-trimmed Panache bra. I got this bra on sale and it still cost me over thirty bucks. It is a 34G. It fits well, in fact, I might be in love. I wore a 36F bra by Mio Destino to school today and I had a lot of cleavage. The day before I wore a 36FF bra and I still had a lot of cleavage. Sometimes, I wear a 36G bra and a 38DDD bra. The 38DDD bras are all too loose in the band and they do not support my breasts, so I quit wearing them. The 36G bra is great for total coverage, but it doesn't let me have any cleavage. 

Bras are so hard to figure out. Right now I really like the fit of the 34G bra---it is tight enough in the band to keep my posture correct and it fits snugly (without causing that unsightly bulging effect). Right now my measurements are 34.5 inches beneath the bust and 45 inches around the bust. That is about 10 inches, slightly more, of a difference, so you can imagine that my back gets sore if I am not properly supported. 

Yes, I know, some might feel that bras are a hold-over from antiquated times when women were kept in corsets and given love seats to faint onto, but try doing 2 minutes of jumping up and down for a judo class warm-up without a heavy duty sports bra and then tell me bras are a feminist issue. Lipstick, maybe. Bras, no way! Bras are like shoes for my boobs!