Aftermath of a Suicide

So I started off this blog on a sad note: my cousin died last week and he was only 24. The viewing was especially painful. Just seeing him so lifeless was overwhelming painful.

I'm sure you're probably wondering why I don't just talk to a psychologist instead of rambling on in front of complete strangers. If you must know, she went on vacation and won't be back until the end of July. So, until then, please put up with my random references to my cousin.

In the last blogs I wrote about bras and the book "Wasted." There was some comfort in relating totally trivial material. It lifted me out of this cloud of doom and anguish. Stay tuned, because I plan on writing more trivial blog entries on breasts, bras, food, and literature. The human mind can only take so much pain, so I have to take a breather now and then, as do you!

If you're the suicidal type, please rethink your actions, mostly for yourself but also for those around you. A suicide in the family can increase everybody's risk of suicide at least twofold. For myself, having backed out of an attempted suicide at age 19, I feel the shadow following me, the painful family legacy of self-murder.
Add to this my cousin who did not survive, and well, my chances are pretty high. I am not, nor do I plan on being, suicidal, but there is that chance that life will seem so bleak and painful that I can't stand it. I hope that if that happens I will find a therapist or a friend to confide in, along with a year supply of Zoloft, but until then, I'm living life for myself and for the cousin who I lost to a totally preventable death.

I ordered a book in the mail. It's by the famous psychiatrist and writer (who also happens to be bipolar), Kay Redfield Jamison. It's called "Night Falls Fast: Understanding Suicide." It received rave reviews by critics and readers alike. I'm a big fan of her other books, "Touched By Fire: Manic-Depression and the Artistic Temperament" and "An Unquiet Mind." Whenever I'm down I find a book on a subject, be it madness, depression, binge eating, or body image. I never thought I'd have to read this book. Now it has become important for me to read it. I don't know what I'm looking for. Closure, there will never be closure, but acceptance or hope or something like that might come out of it.

Also, read "The Savage God" by A. Alvarez. Or Durkheim, who was a sociologist that studied the social attachments (or lack thereof) of suicidal people.

I've been looking all over the place for support groups online for family members of someone who killed themselves and there is surprisingly little. Most of these forums are private and require a lengthy application process to join, or else they're for people who are at risk of suicide themselves. There is one group that seems reliable. It's called "Survivors of Suicide: or SOS" and they operate in many cities across the States.

I'll add a link to this site, just in case.
www.survivorsofsuicide.com

Here's one for the mayo clinic and their writings on coping with the grief of a suicide.

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/suicide/MH00048

If you're the suicidal type, please click on the link below. There is much to live for, like playful kittens, Autumn breeze, romance, a new hobby like kayaking, a different environment like Amsterdam, and the people who love you. You might not realize that they love you, or worse, you think they'll be better off without you, but you are wrong. I've experienced my fair share of emotional, physical, and psychological pain and hearing my cousin killed himself has got to be up there at number one most painful experience.

www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

The first step is accepting that you're going to have to suck it up, plop down in a chair, and start talking to a complete stranger about your most private feelings. Trust me, it's like ripping off an old band-aid. Momentary pain followed by relief. Yes, they may put you on drugs. Yes, they may hospitalize you. Yes, life will never be the same, but if you were on the verge of suicide, who would want their life to be the same? I promise that if you seek help and that person you go to is at least half way decent, your life will improve over time and you can start building a new life for yourself of kitties, puppies, pizza, and love.

I don't mean to get all preachy and tell you what to do, but I was lucky enough to have somebody tell me what to do at the right moment and I'm still alive because of it. Besides, I'd feel like I'm part of the problem if I just minded my own and tended to only my personal grief.

Oh yeah, and art therapy really helps. I knew a schizophrenic who found hope through making bracelets with beads. He was kind of a manly man, so he often gave away his creations to females, but it was really amazing what he could do with some colored beads and string. I found painting to be helpful. Nothing fancy like oils, just regular poster paint, brushes, and some thick paper.

There's a whole world of positive experiences out there! I wish I could have made my cousin believe that. I knew he was troubled when we lived together, but I didn't peg him as the type to go through with it. I just assumed he was slightly autistic since he rarely spoke, stared into space, and would make cryptic comments to me out of nowhere. There was a point when he lost his job and I tried to convince him it was in his best interest to call a number for psychological services, but he resisted. He never threatened suicide in front of me. Legally, my options of having him committed weren't viable. The system demands that the suicidal person make explicit suicide threats. Then they can 5150 them. My cousin wasn't verbal enough or psychotic enough to give me cause to call the police. What would I have said, "He's more silent than before"? But here I go, trying to justify my lack of action, trying to defend myself when I had no contact information for him for 2 years and then out of the blue...death. My point is, don't do it. Please.

Well, that was a stark post. Next up: a blog on bras.