20 mg Abilify, 25 mg mood stabilizer, 20 mg....later

Well, I read the last post and man, do I sound paranoid. I just wanted the readers to know that after I posted that, I was sternly told by a family member to go take my medicine. I did so. I then went to a used record and movie store and shopped. Shopping makes me feel infinitely better. It makes me impoverished, but in that moment when I am seeking a new material item, I feel healed.

I bought some used DVD's (Criminal Minds series and Law and Order series:Criminal Intent). Maybe those choices were not the most cheerful DVD's, but I was happy because I got each season for under 15 bucks, used, and that is better than I could find on amazon dot com.

Walking around the aisles, nobody looked at me askance. Nobody had any clue that I was a paranoid schizo-affective. I was calm, together, and at peace. Just the little act of being treated like a normal human being in a used record and movie store made me feel one with society.

I guess I will just have to put up with any bizarre laws that go into effect, put in place by hysterics and nay-sayers. So it goes. Ah well, they'll get sued eventually anyways.

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I am taking a pre-calculus class this semester and I am worried that I will do poorly. I am decent at math, but I have this horrible insecurity that my brain will reach its limit of comprehension---like it will just putter out on me. Luckily, if that actually happens, there is a tutoring center on campus. I had bad experiences with student tutors in the past, but maybe this time will be different (one tutor laughed and said "man, you are totally going to fail the exam," when I came in to the learning center after a 2 and a half week hospitalization that occurred during the semester). But that guy probably just had a huge chip on his shoulder, no empathy, and a really bad attitude.

Here's to math! yay!

NY Proposed Database of Mentally Ill

I do not approve of scapegoating the mentally ill for recent mass murders. If people want to terrorize millions of genuinely sick and innocent Americans by putting us all up on databases and recording our private thoughts (gee, who is being paranoid NOW?)--- while scrapping everyone's constitutional rights, do it knowing that you are violating the constitution and its amendments and that those of us who are sane will eventually sue your pants off.

Here is an article from Yahoo saying that New York is about to pass a law saying that all private thoughts (thoughts, not actions, without intent, without warrant) must be reported to Homeland and to the feds. How is that going to work?

http://health.yahoo.net/news/s/ap/experts-proposed-ny-gun-law-might-hinder-therapy

ONE: Every mass murderer took the time to plan their attack, days, even months before they enacted their heinous atrocities. They obviously fooled everyone around them. A REALLY insane person would be incapable of plotting because they would be too disorganized and out of touch with reality to know what was happening. So, how insane were these organized, prepared, methodical killers really?
TWO: Plotting requires hiding their intentions. These violent predators are hellbent on hiding their intentions already, what chance do you think some doc has of correctly assessing the situation after the usual 5 to 10 minute psychiatric consultation? Seriously---five to ten minutes!
THREE: For every one actual, guilty person you catch, you will frame thousands of genuinely sick people who have no plan to commit harm, and send thousands more running away from care! If you tell a paranoid skitz that the government is going to record his thoughts and carry him off to an undisclosed location---don't expect to be seeing them around any government or health care professionals. I'm totally harmless and the thought of being Databased makes me sick to my stomach and I want to distance myself from all treatment centers! If you threaten us enough, we'll just start to leave the country. You can keep the community for yourselves, with all the gang violence, drug violence, domestic violence, murder-for-hires, serial killers, and random acts of violence. Those crimes are done by totally sane people, by the way.
FOUR: There are ALREADY laws in place to protect people from the rare criminally insane! First, 5150's get their guns rights taken away for years! If the psychiatrist is at the point where s/he would send their patient's name up the food chain, they ALREADY have the right to commit said person for up to 48 hours for assessment. After that, it's to a facility for 2 weeks, where said would-be threat can be committed and re-committed, for a very long time with a simple police code: 5250. I met a guy who was serving a 2 month sentence in a crappy psych ward for trying to escape.
FIVE: It takes only one unscrupulous therapist to ruin a person's life forever. I've had mental health techs write statements in my medical records I never said. If they "believe" you are a threat, they write that, even if you're saying "suicide" they might write down "homicide" just for fun, or to meet quotas, or for some other unknown motive. If you think this is an exaggeration, you are truly naive. A lot of the mental health technicians do not like or feel empathy for the mentally ill. In fact, most of them hate us because they are just like the rest of society---quick to stereotype, quick to condemn, quick to lie, and quick to sabotage. Who will act as the check and balance against the mental health professionals?

The real predators are the Hitlers and Stalins, not the guy at the street corner who talks to the trash can.

There's my little rant. Don't believe me, believe me, whatever. I already told one social worker if they start putting us on databases or sending C.I.!. assassins I am leaving the country and moving to Sweden. I like Sweden.

Moody No More-More Meds

Reading the last entry made me think about what my shrink once told me:

Don't let your fear and paranoia stop you from doing what you want to do. I want to play Killzone 2 darn it. Just not online.

I mentioned my unnerving fear of being sent viruses and trojans to my psychiatrist who kindly recommended upping my dosage of almost every medicine I take. I happily obliged. I don't like feeling nervous, agitated, and paranoid.

So here I am, day one into my new regime of medicines. I feel quite at peace! I am taking a higher dose of mood stabilizers and anti-anxiety medicine. My anti-psychotic dose stayed the same but I think that was only because I confessed to spending a week off the meds due to some unknown motivation on my part (something I DO NOT recommend). The result=paranoia, fear, sleeplessness, and once I started taking the med consistently again---total sleepiness. Seriously, I slept until 2 pm today.  I feel asleep from 8 to midnight, stayed up until 1 am (only one hour), then back to sleep until 8. At 8 I managed to make some coffee in my french press, but then I wandered off and fell asleep on the couch where I remained in some zombie sleep until the late afternoon.

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I am watching the documentary on John Nash, "A Beautiful Genius." I really like it thus far. It focuses on Nash's time at the University. The film is well told and interesting.

Female Gamers--Y U NO PLAY?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GZAxwsg9J9Q

The link above is logical, sound explanation of why I will never buy the PS3 that I really really wanted for the last many years so I could play Killzone 2 and 3. While I do have PC games, I won't play anything online, even if that means I will be stuck with Tetris and nothing else (PS I grew up on Tetris and I love Tetris, no insult to Tetris). Poor Anita. She just wanted to game online without threats of rape. Now she gets thousands of emails threatening to rape her. If we let them get away with their anti-constitutional actions, this could all wind up like that evil crime in India. Sexual discrimination and death threats are anti-constitutional. If they get to death threat me then I get to take them seriously and defend my life through whatever means necessary.

I decided to boycott.

Mobs are bad news. All mobs. Especially guys who like to internet stalk a woman who looks all of 100 pounds. Yet, I stand by my constitutional rights and hopefully you are a pro-constitutionalist as well. So please don't hack me. I might turn into a demented paranoid as per the paranoid schizophrenia that I suffer from...hahaha [evil genius laugh]. Seriously, I am. I have been committed no less than 7 times the past decade. Not joking.

That being said----my SAMSUNG SERIES 7 GAMING LAPTOP IS COMING TODAY!!!!!

Wooohooooo!!!! I have seriously been drooling over this computer since I saw the CNET review for it on youtube. I bought Dishonored and the Secret World (the latter which I will just dump in the trash or something since it's an MMO and the TED talk made me piiiiiissed). So, back to Tetris.

SAMSUNG!!!!!!

Moody on 3 Kings Day

It has been a long winter break. The bleak weather has done nothing positive for my bleak moods. Plus, I got dumped. That's always a bummer. Alas, my boyfriend transferred to a new college and left me behind. I was comfortable with him. I liked him. Still, he never had a clue that I was schizo-affective or bisexual, but now that is all moot. I no longer have to worry about him finding my stash of nightly regime of pills, or the adult videos that I keep in my underwear drawer---perhaps it is for the best. He might have been repulsed by my mood stabilizers and my passionate love of women.

Now I am bored, single, and moody until classes begin later this month. Speaking of moods, I got a new android app that lets me chart my moods. I believe it is called "emoods." It is an app that allows the user to input the level of anxiety, depression, irritability, and excessive energy on a continuum. This allows the user to monitor their symptoms over the course of a week, even a month. It is an excellent tool for bipolars and I highly recommend it!

Earlier tonight, the 6th of January, my family and I celebrated dia de los reyes, a Mexican religious holiday. It means, "Three Kings Day." What the origins are is a total mystery to me. To me, dia de los reyes is the day where I get a present and a piece of 3 Kings cake that may or may not have a tiny plastic baby Jesus baked into the slice. Tradition decrees that whoever gets the slice of cake with the tiny plastic baby Jesus must buy the entire family tamales the following month.

Speaking of cake...I am getting midnight snack cravings. Maybe I'll go sneak into the kitchen and get a slice of 3 Kings cake....